I have a lot of opinions on things. They are good opinions. People like them. Strangers are always coming up to me and saying, “You look like a man who has really great opinions. What do you think about my shoes? Is melted cheese a good thing? Is Hollywood making movies we should care about? What about sidewalks? Are sidewalks good?”

The thing is, I am not a performing seal. You can’t just walk up to me and say, “Give me an opinion, you piece of crap, or I will stab you.”

It doesn’t work that way.

It could take months for me to fully contemplate the question, is melted cheese a good thing? It might even take years. I would have to sit in a leather armchair, an alcoholic beverage in my hand, staring off into the distance, thinking. That takes time. Many things might distract me, such as television or pornography.  Science has shown that thinking about an opinion burns as many calories as running five marathons. As I contemplate melted cheese, I might have to order a pizza and eat that. Coincidentally, there is melted cheese on a pizza. Is that really just a coincidence? Or is it research? No, it’s just a coincidence because I wanted something to eat, and I had Chinese food the night before.

After contemplating a particular issue for a long time, I then sit down at my keyboard, and write down my opinion. Usually the opinion just appears, like magic. 

Here are some opinions I recently worked on that took me a great deal of time and effort.

  • The Eiffel Tower is stupid and French.
  • People should pay their taxes, unless they don’t want to.
  • Jerry Seinfeld is doing okay nowadays.
  • Snow is an obsolete form of weather.

In theory, not all of my opinions are worth publishing. However, there are websites across the globe that are sitting empty, waiting for what we call “content”. Without this “content”, we would only have advertising to look at. For this reason, all my opinions are important and valid. 

But what about someone like you? Do you have what it takes to write opinions and post them on the Internet? The answer is obviously NO. You must leave this opinion work to the trained professionals, such as myself. I have an education from a fine university. What have you got? Probably crabs or herpes.  Additionally, I have honed my opinion-having skills for over twenty years. You might think your take on the rotary telephone is worth sharing with others. You are wrong. Your opinions about rotary telephones are of no interest to anyone. Shut up.

How am I special?  I am always formulating opinions. When I see a movie, I don’t just see it. I instantly have an opinion about it, even as I watch. I never slip out of the judging state. I never suspend disbelief or let myself go. Emotions do not overwhelm me. From moment to moment, I’m always asking, “Is this film good? What about now? Is it good now? How about at this moment, with the action sequence over, and there’s a man and a lady kissing? What about now, since they’ve stopped kissing? How about now that the man and lady have died in a fire?”

I am like this, all the time, with everything. Every social encounter, every object, every sensory experience I have is evaluated, graded, filed, and noted upon.

You’ll see amateur “opinioneers” on the Internet all the time. Do not trust these walking atrocities. Here’s how to spot them.

* * *


“The burger restaurant on first avenue is great. Anyone who thinks otherwise has to fight me to the death!”

Insecurity is how we see through this opinioneer. They back up their opinion with threats of violence. This is a sure sign that their opinion isn’t worth your time. Do not listen to anything they say. If given an opportunity, humanely kill them.

* * *


“I like that new movie, I guess. I don’t know. I could be wrong. Never mind.”

Classic mistake. This dunderhead thought they had an opinion, but they didn’t. The opinioneer didn’t put in the time to cement their point of view. An opinion takes careful processing. If you don’t know exactly how you feel about a particular topic, keep your mouth shut. There’s no point communicating an idea that is vague or incomplete. When you encounter a cloudy idiot, such as this one, do not kill them. Merely knock them unconscious with a hammer, or a crowbar. If their skull caves in, so be it.

* * *


“Chocolate ice cream is the best flavour of ice cream in the world.”

This type of error can be difficult to spot. The statement is concise. There are no threats of death. What could the problem possibly be? In this case, the opinion expressed is simply wrong. The best ice cream flavour in the world is obviously strawberry. When you encounter a radical who spouts nonsense as fact, leave the area immediately, and never return. Even if this means fleeing your home and living on the streets, do so. Falsehoods passed off as facts are worse than nuclear waste. If you are foolish enough to engage with a person like this, you will die of cancer.

* * *

In conclusion…  

Opinions, it is said, are like assholes. Everyone has one. While this is true, this wise expression can be taken further. Only on rare occasions do we actually wish to see another human being’s asshole. Perhaps the person in question is a very attractive porn star. Or maybe they have a medical condition that makes their rectum shocking or comical. Under these particular circumstances, you would be correct in wanting to see the asshole in question.

When it comes to opinions, I am the proper type of asshole. My opinions are better than yours. I am so great. I really am. This is not just my opinion, but is a matter of public record. If you feel the need to worship me as a god, I am prepared to tolerate that. Gifts are also acceptable. Do not make eye contact with me. I don’t like that. Also, no sudden movements. Stand very still, in case I need to hit you with a hammer or a crowbar.


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